↓ Pick your experience ↓

EPHEMERAL & EVERGREEN

Fleeting short posts are ephemeral. Thoughtful long posts are evergreen.

WHY IT’S HARD TO MAKE FRIENDS AS AN ADULT
As children, making friends was easy. All you had to do was go up to another kid and ask: “Do you want to be my friend?” They would say “Yes!”, and you would go play with your new friend.
But as an adult, you become “an island unto yourself”, drifting alone, disconnected, and isolated in the ocean of adulthood.
Frustrated and filled with loneliness, you ask, “Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?!”
There are many reasons why it’s hard to make friends as an adult, and each person experiences a personalized mix of reasons. However, there are three overarching barriers. Those barriers are Time, Acquaintances, and Guarded Hearts.
Time
Friendships take time to build. One research study found that it takes 40+ hours to go from acquaintances to casual friends, 80+ hours to become close friends, and 200+ hours to become good friends.
That’s a lot of time. Time you don’t have.
Family, work, and personal pursuits probably take up the bulk of your time and energy. On any given day, you’re hard pressed to find time for anything else.
In fact, a common complaint among adults is: “Between family, work, and exercising, how am I supposed to find time for anything else?”
Acquaintances
Before the flower of friendship blooms, the seed of acquaintance must be planted. Paraphrasing the English writer Samuel Johnson:
If you don’t make any new acquaintances as you advance through life, you’ll soon find yourself alone.
Social anxiety and shyness can be obstacles in making new acquaintances. Increasing isolation is another factor inhibiting acquaintance making.
It’s hard to make friends when you don’t even have the initial building block of acquaintances.
Guarded Hearts
The fear of rejection and past negative experiences can result in low trust toward new acquaintances and friendships.
Emotional walls are built slowly, brick by brick, each one shaped by past hurts and disappointments. As the years pass, those walls grow taller, until you find yourself peering out from behind them, hesitant and cautious.
It’s not that you don’t crave connection—it’s that your heart, weathered by rejection and betrayal, has learned to be wary. The fear of being hurt again keeps you from opening the door to new friendships, even when you need them the most.
Removing the barriers
How do we reach across the widening distance of time, acquaintances, and guarded hearts to find the connection we yearn for?
The answer is simple. Make time, make acquaintances, open your heart and put yourself out there.
But simple doesn’t mean easy.
You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.
― A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh
The biggest difference will be your intention. Intentional people make plans, set priorities, and take action. If you do that, you’ll be well on your way to making new friends.
THE POWER OF RESUMING
Resuming gives you permission to pick up where you left off.
The first day of the year is a good time for resuming anything that you left undone or unaccomplished.
Maybe last year you started with great enthusiasm and high hopes, but over time you lost energy and momentum. Time passed, and before you knew it, your dream or goal fell by the wayside.
When you stop taking action, it can be frustrating and demoralizing. There’s a feeling of stagnation and heaviness. And the thought of starting again takes more and more energy after each moment of inertia.
And when this pattern repeats over a long time, you may lose all will to try again.
If you find yourself in that position right now, thinking “What’s the use? I never make any progress anyway”, I want to suggest to you a reframe that may be more empowering and helpful.
Instead of thinking that you have to “start over again”, try thinking that you are “resuming after a pause”. Doesn’t matter how long the pause has been. Doesn’t matter how many times you’ve paused. You are now resuming.
Resuming is powerful because it gives you permission to pick up where you left off. So you’re not “starting over”, you’re reengaging. Whatever progress you made in the past, it’s still there no matter how long it’s been.
And even if you have to go back to the drawing board and try a different approach, or make a different plan, or change the dream or goal entirely, you’re not starting from zero. You’re starting from where you left off. All the past effort and experience is an accumulated energy waiting for you to reengage.
The other advantage of framing your experiences in terms of resuming is that it gives you permission to pause. Pausing is equally important and powerful. There are times and circumstances when you would be wise to pause. Those who make the most progress are the ones who learn to pause before being forced to pause. If you don’t pause once in a while, Life will hit that pause button for you. It will be inconvenient and unwanted, and it’ll leave you feeling frustrated.
By choosing to pause, you give yourself permission to step back and regroup. You also automatically set yourself up to resume when ready. Let me say that again: you set yourself up to RESUME WHEN READY.
They key to resuming is to do it when you’re ready. Being ready doesn’t mean being perfectly ready. It means being willing to attempt again. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you have to have every skill, all data, the perfect tools, and even a level of confidence or “feeling” before you’re ready to resume. That’s the road to inaction.
When you’re ready to attempt again, you’re ready to resume.
PEBBLE CLOSING
Every new beginning
comes from some other beginning’s end.
The quote above is from the lyrics to the song Closing Time by Semisonic. This line has been on my mind as I’ve been processing a bit of sad news.
Earlier today it was announced that Pebble, formerly known as T2, will shut down on November 1st. Pebble sought to be a kind, safe, and fun digital town square. In my opinion, it succeeded in being that.
The closing of Pebble is a big bummer to all who found a digital home on the platform. It was a place of genuine connection, caring for others, demonstrations of support, and fun banter between community members.
It was not a digital Utopia by any means. There were challenges and complaints. And lots of room to grow and improve. Sadly, we won’t get to see that evolution.
I am grieving the impending loss of Pebble. Team Pebble probably feels the same way. They put in a ton of work into making Pebble the special place that it was.
Lessons from Pebble
My experience on Pebble taught me the following things.
1. We can create kind, safe, and fun spaces when we are intentional about it. And there’s a desire for spaces and experiences like that.
2. Kindness to some can be oppression to others.
3. Not everything needs a GIF. GIFs are fun, but they can cause a lot of digital noise.
4. Apps are overrated. Pebble showed me the potential of a Progressive Web App, and helped me to realize we’ve been condition to expect an app for everything.
5. The power of being welcomed. When we welcome others into a space, we helped them become part of the experience.
6. Expectation kills Excitement. When you lead with expectations, you lose the excitement of discovery.
7. Community Generated Experiences. All of the Pebble “highlights” happened when the community came together to break something, to make a meme and get in on the joke, to rally around someone.
8. User experience > Features. You can have the coolest, newest, killer features, but if those features interfere with the user experience, it’s not gonna fly.
9. Creating a safe space for the most vulnerable among us will automatically create a safe space for all.
10. The best way to find your people is to show up and show who you are.
11. The attachment to cuss words is as strong and visceral as the attachment to guns is for some Americans.
12. People will surprise you. They’ll surprise you with their kindness, with their wit, with their insight, with their love and care. They’ll also surprise you with their animosity, carelessness, callousness, and contempt.
13. Create the things you wish existed in the world. Chances are there are others out there wishing for the same thing.
14. Genuine connections require vulnerability. When we lead with vulnerability, we create the conditions for others to be vulnerable too.
15. Act without guarantees. There was never a guarantee that Pebble would succeed. But Sarah, Michael, Gabor, and the rest of Team Pebble built the platform anyways. That’s courage!
16. Everyone needs community. We join social networks because we want to find our people. The people we can joke with, share with, and be accepted with.
17. Connections and Interactions > Impressions and Likes. Vanity metrics didn’t matter on Pebble. It was all about the community conversations we had on a daily basis.
Those are some of the lessons that came to mind as I sat down to write this. I’m sure with more time and reflection, others would surface.
it’s myspace all over again
When MySpace was popular, I was all in. I enjoyed the platform and its features. It was a great blend of social network and self expression.
But then Facebook emerged, gained traction, and everyone switched from MySpace to Facebook. In those early days of social networks there weren’t many options like there are today. So everyone flocked to Facebook.
I begrudgingly switched over to Facebook because that’s where all my friends went. They were no longer logging onto MySpace.
(I also begrudgingly use Discord because that’s what most people use within the live streaming space)
Today the digital landscape is far more fragmented. In large part due to all that’s happened to Twitter. With all the options available, Pebble was my flavor of social network.
Now that Pebble is shutting down, I once again find myself like in those final days of MySpace, having to leave behind what I considered my digital home.
where to from here?
Among the Pebble community, it seems most are either going to Bluesky or Mastodon. I’m not particularly excited about either of those choices. It feels like having to choose between two equally distasteful presidential candidates.
I’m not sure where I will land post-Pebble. For a while now I’ve felt that I need to focus more on the spaces I can create and nurture. Better to spend time cultivating my own digital garden rather than cultivating someone else’s garden.
I do have a presence on several social media platforms, though I’m not as active on those as I was on Pebble. You can find links to all of those here.
Thank you Team Pebble!
I want to thank Team Pebble for all their hard work. For their vision of a kind, safe, and fun social network. Thank you for the risks you took, the courage you displayed, the community feedback you received, and even the pushback you endured.
You all created something special, and it made a difference in my life. Thank you!
I wish the best to everyone on Team Pebble and everyone in the community.
HOW TO CREATE YOUR PURPOSE
Purpose is created by choice.
As an Inspiration Specialist, I am often asked: “How do I find my purpose?” Embedded in the question is the hope that “finding purpose” will lead to happiness. The person who asks how to find purpose is one who wants a better life. Usually that person feels directionless and adrift in life. All efforts and attempts seem futile and meaningless.
The one big misunderstanding about purpose is that it must be “found.” This assumes that purpose is something out there, external of Self. That if you just go far enough, seek hard enough, sacrifice enough, you’ll eventually find it.
But the truth is, purpose is internal and created by Self. Purpose is created by your choices.
You are like a block of marble, and hidden inside is your purpose. You’re also the sculptor who can reveal the purpose.
Every block of stone has a statue inside it, and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it.
Michelangelo
Where to carve, where to cut, where to contour, and where to go with the flow of the block — these are choices that reveal the statue inside the block of stone.
Here are three choices that can help reveal the purpose inside you:
1. Choose your Self
Because your purpose is inside, you must learn to choose your Self. Choosing Self comes in many shapes and sizes. Setting personal boundaries is choosing Self. Learning to love yourself is choosing Self. Scheduling time for yourself is choosing Self. Planning things for you is choosing Self.
When you choose Self, there is a feeling of elevation, of satisfaction, and of knowing. You are ascending to your higher Self. And as you do so, you begin to understand your Self better. With that understanding, comes clarity. With that clarity, purpose is revealed.
“Your gifts lie in the place where your values, passions and strengths meet. Discovering that place is the first step toward sculpting your masterpiece, Your Life.”
Michelangelo
2. Choose priorities
There are many things that can get in the way of choosing Self, and that’s why the second choice for creating your purpose is choose your priorities.
People who have a clear purpose in life choose their priorities. Choosing priorities puts you in a proactive stance rather than a reactive one. Clearly defined priorities enable you to filter out unimportant things, and to avoid wasting time. As you choose your priorities, you discover what’s most important to you, and that guides you toward your purpose.
The sculpture is already complete within the marble block, before I start my work. It is already there, I just have to chisel away the superfluous material.
Michelangelo
3. Choose giving to others
One of the best ways to create your purpose is to give to others. Giving to others helps you shed your ego. This in turn uncovers your Self and your purpose within.
When you’re focused on getting, you loose Self, priorities, and connections because you’re more intent on the getting. When you’re focused on giving, you don’t think about Self, but you learn about Self. Priorities become clearer as you give to others.
When you choose to give to others, you discover and strengthen your connection to them. These connections help reveal the purpose inside you. Ultimately, all purposes contain some form of giving to others.
As you give out so shall you receive.
Michelangelo
It took Michelangelo two years to carve his David, and four years to paint the Sistine Chapel. When he was asked to do the Sistine Chapel, Michelangelo resisted because he only saw himself as a sculptor. He didn’t consider himself a painter, and he had no experience with frescos. But he was willing to go beyond his comfort zone.
Creating your purpose takes time. It may take you two years, or four, or more. It requires that you see yourself as more than who you are right now. And you must be willing to go beyond your comfort zone.
Choose these things, and you will create your purpose.
For more inspiration like this, follow Limhi on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, and YouTube. And come have a conversation with him at 4 PM (MST) during his livestream on Twitch.
Featured image by Alice Dietrich on Unsplash.
Patience precedes Wisdom
Truth is recognized in a moment, but understood over a lifetime. And patience is key to gaining that understanding.
If you would like to harvest the fruit of Wisdom from the Tree of Life, you must first prepare the soil of your heart, plant the seed of experience, and wait to see if the seed of experience will germinate. If the seed of experience doesn’t germinate, then it will die within your heart, and will be soon forgotten.
On the other hand, if the seed of experience does germinate, you begin to feel your heart swell with new light and new truth. The sprout of knowledge will grow, and you will feel driven to cultivate it. When you cultivate knowledge, you ask questions, you test theories, you listen, you read, you experience some more. It is a process that requires patience.
There is an old African proverb that says:
A patient man will eat ripe fruit.
Wisdom is the ripe fruit of experience, and only the patient ever taste it.
Featured image by Rohit Tandon on Unsplash.
THE RIGHT TOOLS
A tool is only as good as the one who uses it.
All tools are the right tools, they just need to be given the best job suited to their functions.
Using the tools available to you will help you maximize your effort toward your goals. Sometimes you’ll have the proper tools. Other times you won’t and you’ll have to adapt and make due with what’s available to you.
If you go snowboarding in powder country, and need a tool to dig yourself out or to make a jump, a shovel is the tool you want. But if you don’t have a shovel, you improvise and use the snowboard itself as a shovel.
When you have the proper tool for the task at hand, the job is made easier, the work is lighter, you are more efficient and finish more quickly.
There are times when even the perfect tool for the job is not enough to get the job done because the one using the tool doesn’t have the necessary skill. For example, if I gave you all the tools necessary to build a house, you may not be able to do it. Not because you don’t have the tools, but because you don’t have the skill.
The effectiveness and usefulness of a tool is directly correlated to our ability to use or adapt the tool.
Adapting tools for other uses is creative and sometimes necessary. Inventions and discoveries often come about because of the creative adaptation of a tool purposed for something else.
Here’s an article listing common tools that were first invented for space exploration.
The lack of proper tools often becomes an excuse for not taking action or not doing what you want to do. Don’t let it happen to you.
Remember, tools are only as good as your use or adaptation of them.
Beginning photographers often refrain from taking pictures or building their photography business because they believe their cheap camera is not the proper tool. They fixate on a shiny and expensive camera, and say, “If I just had x camera I would take quality pictures.” Orr “Once I get that expensive camera, I’ll be able to charge higher rates.”
But as the video below demonstrates, you can get excellent results with a cheap camera, and you can get poor results with an expensive camera.
A camera is only as good as the person using it.
Challenge yourself to maximize your use of the tools available to you. Challenge yourself to improve your skills.
Featured Photo by Todd Quackenbush on Unsplash.
EXPRESSING THE INEXPRESSIBLE
Expression is as vast as the Universe, and just as mysterious.
What was the last thing you expressed? Was it joy? Sorrow? Anger? Frustration? Love? Your expression was probably linked to a feeling or sensation. Some physical manifestation of something ephemeral happening deep within you.
Expressions manifest in many ways. Some take the form of words, others manifest in physical form.
Art, music, prose, poetry, math, sacrifice, humor, presence. These are all forms of expression. No matter the form or mode of expression, the strongest expressions are those tied to our heart and spirit.
Expressions can be short:
“I love you.”
“I hate you!”
Or long:
“She’s gonna get a taste of her own medicine.”
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, and words could also hurt me.”
Some expressions happen in prose. Such as this one:
“Advocating the mere tolerance of difference between women is the grossest reformism. It is a total denial of the creative function of difference in our lives. Difference must be not merely tolerated, but seen as a fund of necessary polarities between which our creativity can spark like a dialectic. Only then does the necessity for interdependency become unthreatening. Only within that interdependency of difference strengths, acknowledged and equal, can the power to seek new ways of being in the world generate, as well as the courage and sustenance to act where there are no charters… Difference is that raw and powerful connection from which our personal power is forged.” — Audre Lorde (Read the full speech here)
Or this one:
“What is now known is not all that you are capable of knowing. You are your own stories, and therefore free to imagine and experience what it means to be human, without wealth. What it feels like to human without domination over others, without reckless arrogance, without fear of others unlike you. Without rotating, rehearsing, and reinventing the hatreds you learned in the sandbox. And although you don’t have complete control over the narrative—no author does, I can tell you—you can nevertheless create it.” — Toni Morrison (Watch the full speech here)
Other expressions come to us in poetry.
```
TO THE OPPRESSORS
by Pauli Murray
Now you are strong
And we are but grapes aching with ripeness.
Crush us!
Squeeze from us all the brave life
Contained in these full skins.
But ours is a subtle strength
Potent with centuries of yearning,
Of being kegged and shut away
In dark forgotten places.

We shall endure
To steal your senses
In that lonely twilight
Of your winter’s grief.
```
Or music:
An expression many are feeling after a rough 2020.
Then there’s all the physical ways we express. Applause, back slaps, caresses, dance, eye rolls, flared nostrils, grimaces, high fives and hugs, internal screaming, jabs in the air, kneeling, laughter, moans, narrowed eyes, open mouth surprise, pursed lips, quizzical looks, raised eyebrows, silent approval, tender gazes, underwhelmed blinks, vowing hands, wringing hands, x arms, yawns, zoned out stares.
Expressing the inexpressible can feel like a burden when there is no one who understands. But once understood, it is a revelation and a bond which validates and reaffirms our feelings.
When you try to express the inexpressible, you struggle to find words or actions and the meaning of what you’re trying to express.
It’s ok to not have a firm grasp on what you wish to express. Even if you’re not sure what you mean, get it out there. Allow yourself to hem and haw. Feel it out loud through gibberish and mannerisms which don’t convey what you mean. That struggle is the birth of the inexpressible.
Featured Photo by Hello I’m Nik 🎞 on Unsplash.
COMMITTING TO A BETTER YOU
Commitment is sustained by Consistency
It’s the first day of December 2020. CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve made it through almost a whole year of pandemic mayhem, with a side of social turmoil, and a heaping of uncertainty. One thing we’ve learned in these unprecedented times is that a new version of ourselves is required to face our new challenges.
What new version of you do you want to embody in the coming year? How would you like to improve? Will you commit to a better you?
Committing to a better you will require a change of being. When you BE better, you DO better. If you really want to keep your commitment, you must be consistent. Consistency is the key to keeping commitments.
How can you be consistent in your commitments? Have a plan. As the saying goes: if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
Commitments are kept through persistent consistency in the actions required for the new outcome. Like a seed sprouting roots, you will not notice a lot of growth at first. But as you are consistent in your commitment to yourself, you will begin to notice little signs of growth. Continue being consistent and persistent, and by and by you will see more noticeable results.
There will be days when it will be hard to be consistent. Things will get in the way, and your efforts will feel feeble and ineffective. On those days, remember consistency is about showing up every day rather than putting in maximum effort every day. It is not sustainable to put in maximum effort every day. That’s ok. The showing up every day will increase your ability to sustain maximum effort over time.
Consistency is how you show your Commitment.
Featured Photo by Mark Duffel on Unsplash.
PRIORITIES
You give your loyalties to your priorities.
Priorities set the tone for your life. Your priorities demand your attention, consume your time, and take precedence over everything else. What are your priorities?
When you do not set clear priorities for yourself, you are inundated with distractions, lesser tasks, and activities that waste your time and drain your energy. Having clear priorities helps you manage your time better, but it’s not about efficiency or productivity. It’s about clarity.
Priorities help you get clear on what is essential to you and what is unnecessary. They become the filters through which you choose all actions, activities, goals, invitations, opportunities, and problems.
If you do not deliberately choose your priorities, they will be chosen for you. And you will find yourself spending your attention, energy, and time in things that empty you rather than fill you. You will feel drained and rushed and unfulfilled. This is how you end up feeling burntout — even in things you love.
Setting Priorities
You may be asking: “So how do I set clearer priorities for myself?” Here are three suggestions for setting priorities.
THREE SUGGESTIONS FOR SETTING PRIORITIES
CRYSTAL CLEAR OUTCOME
ANCHOR IN TRUTH
CHOOSE BEGINNING ACTION
1. CRYSTAL CLEAR OUTCOME
Clear visions create clear priorities. When you have a crystal clear vision of the outcome you desire, you are able to discern what is important in making that vision a reality. In his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (public library), Stephen R. Covey called it “beginning with the end in mind.”
Beginning with the end in mind requires you set a clear vision of WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, and HOW. The most compelling endings or outcomes are ones where you FEEL DRIVEN to make it a reality.
Once you have a crystal clear outcome, priorities come into crystal clear focus.
People are working harder than ever, but because they lack clarity and vision, they aren’t getting very far. They, in essence, are pushing a rope with all of their might.
Dr. Stephen R. Covey
Crystal clear outcomes are the North Star by which you align your direction in life.
2. ANCHOR IN TRUTH
Priorities often times are rooted in values. Values can be a good starting point for setting priorities. But an even better foundation for priorities is the bedrock of Truth. Values are often burdened with unnecessary baggage. Truth is free of it.
Truth is things things as they really were, are, and will be. Truth is the light which clarifies all darkness. Truth cuts to the heart of the essential.
Anchoring in truth means setting yourself and your priorities in the heart of what is essential about you and what you want. Anything more or less than that will be unnecessary.
In the Hindu tradition, there is a principle called Neti Neti, which translates to “not this, not that”. The principle is that you understand Truth and the nature of reality by first eliminating what isn’t true/real. Thus, “not this, not that” becomes a process of elimination through which one arrives at Truth. In the same way, you can apply Truth to “not this, not that” in your life to eliminate the unnecessary things and anchor priorities in Truth.
When your priorities are anchored in Truth, you will not be overcome by the overwhelm of life.
3. CHOOSE BEGINNING ACTION
Beginning actions are the essential practices of priorities. Each priority is set in motion with an action. The action you choose can make or break a priority. If the action is anchored in something that is not Truth for you, that action will be ineffective, and you will not follow through on that priority.
On the other hand, priorities coupled with beginning actions anchored in truth and aligned with crystal clear outcomes, are the actions you can rely on and go back to again and again when you get distracted or of course.
Those beginning actions or essential practices remind you of your priorities, and help reset yourself. When you feel lost or confused or unsure about what to do, beginning actions get you moving forward. That forward motion brings with it the memory of priority, and the momentum to continue onward.
Beginning actions snap you back into your priorities.
And So. . .
It’s clear intentional priorities are created. Anything created takes time and effort and patience and practice. Your priorities run your life. So make sure to run your priorities.
Featured Photo by Alexander Schimmeck on Unsplash.
MY FIRST VIRAL VIDEO
A tale of two posts.
This video was shared to TikTok and Instagram Reels on Monday, 26 October 2020. Both posts are included for comparison purposes.
@limhimontoya
Can you relate? #itbelikethat #lol #funny #humor #sleep #overthinking #anxiety #mentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #twitch #stream #twitchstreamer
♬ original sound – LIMHI MONTOYA
https://www.instagram.com/p/CG0aDZnBS_d/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
The video got little attention on TikTok. But on Wednesday evening, 28 October 2020, the video became “featured” on Instagram Reels and quickly went viral.
At the time of writing this blog post, the video has over 322k views, 9136 likes, and 30 comments on Instagram Reels.
One thing to learn is that good content needs the right home.
Featured Photo by Prateek Katyal on Unsplash.