As children, making friends was easy. All you had to do was go up to another kid and ask: “Do you want to be my friend?” They would say “Yes!”, and you would go play with your new friend.

But as an adult, you become “an island unto yourself”, drifting alone, disconnected, and isolated in the ocean of adulthood.
Frustrated and filled with loneliness, you ask, “Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?!”

There are many reasons why it’s hard to make friends as an adult, and each person experiences a personalized mix of reasons. However, there are three overarching barriers. Those barriers are Time, Acquaintances, and Guarded Hearts.

Time

Friendships take time to build. One research study found that it takes 40+ hours to go from acquaintances to casual friends, 80+ hours to become close friends, and 200+ hours to become good friends.

That’s a lot of time. Time you don’t have.

Family, work, and personal pursuits probably take up the bulk of your time and energy. On any given day, you’re hard pressed to find time for anything else.

In fact, a common complaint among adults is: “Between family, work, and exercising, how am I supposed to find time for anything else?”

Acquaintances

Before the flower of friendship blooms, the seed of acquaintance must be planted. Paraphrasing the English writer Samuel Johnson:

If you don’t make any new acquaintances as you advance through life, you’ll soon find yourself alone.

Social anxiety and shyness can be obstacles in making new acquaintances. Increasing isolation is another factor inhibiting acquaintance making.

It’s hard to make friends when you don’t even have the initial building block of acquaintances.

Guarded Hearts

The fear of rejection and past negative experiences can result in low trust toward new acquaintances and friendships.

Emotional walls are built slowly, brick by brick, each one shaped by past hurts and disappointments. As the years pass, those walls grow taller, until you find yourself peering out from behind them, hesitant and cautious.

It’s not that you don’t crave connection—it’s that your heart, weathered by rejection and betrayal, has learned to be wary. The fear of being hurt again keeps you from opening the door to new friendships, even when you need them the most.

Removing the barriers

How do we reach across the widening distance of time, acquaintances, and guarded hearts to find the connection we yearn for?

The answer is simple. Make time, make acquaintances, open your heart and put yourself out there.

But simple doesn’t mean easy.

You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.
― A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

The biggest difference will be your intention. Intentional people make plans, set priorities, and take action. If you do that, you’ll be well on your way to making new friends.